STAND CLEAR OF THE JERKING COCK!
I got flashed on the train the other night and I could think of was OMG, this sexual harassment is totally going in my blog!!!! Then I was like oh man, this is just like me to go running to my blog whenever I’m sexually harassed, SNORE!

Sooooooo anyway I get on the train, just as the doors were closing. I was the only one on the train (hm, I wonder why) other than a couple of girls sitting together and some tall hispanic youth. HEY, GUESS WHICH ONE FLASHED ME???? I chose a seat a fair distance away from the both of them and sat down, thinking my innocent thoughts.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that the tall youth was sort of making an up and down gesture with his hand. OH NO! WITTLE BUNNY’S IN TWUBBLEI But, I paid it no mind, thinking he was probably just doing the locomotion or whatever to his urban beatzz. He was listening to his ipod shuffle, LOL! I said, LOL! I actually thought “Hm, looks like he’s jerking off over there. Ha, but he’s probably not.”

But then, as I sat there, It seemed like he was actually trying to get me to look at him. Normally, I would ignore someone trying to make eye contact with me as I am often swarmed by fans and admirers, but I felt like I had to make sure he wasn’t doing anything insane.

I glanced over and then I SAW IT! He was wildly jerking his erect member and staring sort of to the right of me. I only saw his schween for like a nanosecond, but the ghastly image of his wang permanently burned itself into my retina. Like Michael Jackson’s young accuser, I could have picked that cock out of a lineup. It was discolored, mottled, marked with splotches, like a piebald horse. Like International Velvet. He had it all the way out of his pants including the balls part and was yanking it ferociously.

Of course, I was jerking off as well, but I was being a lot more subtle about it. HA HA NOT REALLY, JOKE #1:

I was asking for it. I mean look at me, the way I was dressed: glasses, navy blue pea coat, brown turtleneck, converse low tops, reading a book on Czech puppet animation. Looking like a nothing more than a slutty piece of sex-trash.

“So then what did you do, Stacey?”

FUNNY THINGS I DIDN’T REALLY DO OR SAY:

Then we made out.

Well, I got his number.

I went over there and rubbed his balls.

I went over and said “Excuse me, does this train go to Queens Plaza?”

I went over there and said: “Sir, they just mopped in here.”

Another thing people asked me was: ‘Was he cute?”

Yeah, he was totally hot. OMG I was soooo into him! We’re going out tomorrow night! He’s actually really shy!

I punched people who asked me that in the fucking face. Hard! OMG, they bled! :(

He was a young guy, a teenager with that kind of deep set purple acne that besets some people. And his ears stuck out like Alfred E. Newman’s. AND he was jerking off on the F train, so to answer that question he was totally fucking not cute.

Usually when someone’s jerking off on the train, it’s like a reeking old homeless crackhead, not some kid who looks like he works at foot locker. He looked like a normal person! OMG What does normal look like????? THINK ABOUT IT! People like that, I just don’t understand where the craziness fits in. He has a metrocard, probably has a job, bought himself an mp3 player . . . is masturbating on a train just another regular activity to him? Here his to do list: pick up milk, return dvd’s, whip it out and spank it on the uptown F.

He was wearing big baggy nylon track pants too, for easy jerkin’ access. Was he like “Well, I’m going to be punchin’ the munchkin today on the F train, I better wear my special jack-off pants!!” Did he buy them with that purpose in mind? Did he order them from a flasher specialty store?

“This isn’t your father’s trenchcoat! Flashing gets an urban makeover with our silky “dolphin flogger” trackpants! They feel good both on and around your knees as you publicly masturbate in both comfort and style! Available in black, navy and cream.” Get it? Cream?! That joke took me 3 hours.

Also why is it always the F train? It’s the F train for a reason.

“Oh.” I said, to no one in particular, like someone just told me the capital of Guatemala.

I got up and moved to the end of the car, out of spurt range. I was kind of scared he would get up and follow, but he didn’t. Then I got off at the next stop.

Well, what did think you was I gonna do, walk over there and say, “Sir, what you’re doing is wrong! You better stop that!” I had no idea what was next on his agenda. If I said anything he might be like, “OK, I think I’ll put my cock on your face now!” If he was sitting next to me, yeah I would have clocked him, at the very least shouted at him. But he was at least 12 feet away. Plus I was the only one on the car save for these two girls talking a ways away. As I walked by them I said, “I had no idea that guy was jerking off!” They stared at me blankly, like I was the crazy one. Whatever, bitches! Enjoy the rest of the ride! Or maybe they only spoke Polish, I don’t know.

Anyway, after that I met up with a couple of female friends and we all commiserated on our various psycho male experiences. But sure enough, as we were parting ways on the street, some fucking bozo pulls up in his car and starts honking his horn and yelling at my friend: “You got a beautiful ass!”-- For like 3 minutes! She was totally ready to climb in his car and suck his dick, but he drove off! No but SEWIOUSLY PEEPS, I was about to say “OMG, we were just talking about what lunatics men were-” when the dude backed up and started yelling at us again!

Where was the fucking grenade fairy when you needed her? And this was coming right off the heels of my subway meat-mangler! How are these people helping society? Is this guy fostering baby animals in his spare time? Probably not. Who needs him? Off with his head! I can’t really fight, but I wish I had like an armored guard to fight for me. Seize him! I’ll have his tongue out for that insolence!

I turned and yelled SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING STUPID DOUCHEBAG! He drove off, probably late for his parole meeting or something.

When does it end, Ladies? You know what I’m talking about LADIES? Seriously, though, when? When will it stop? I guess when we’re dead, right?

You know what would suck? If we were sexually harassed in the afterlife! Like you’d be all in heaven and everything and a car would pull up beside you and you’d hear “Hey baby, l wanna suck your harp.” And you’d turn and there would be Abraham Lincoln, honking the horn and making a lewd gesture.