JOBLESS NO MORE???????
OMG you guys, I registered with a temp agency the other day!!!! That’s right fuckers, progress! And check this out: I also started getting out of bed at 9 AM. Well, 9 AM pacific time, but it’s a start! Baby steps!!! OMG, if I get a temp assignment, I’ll write about it on my blog!!! OMG, I’ll write about my temp job while I’m at my temp job!!! OMG, has anyone ever done that before????? I think I’m on to something!!

The fact is, mama’s money is running very, very low. That spring break trip cleaned me out!!!! So I signed up with manpower, swallowing my pride, and by accident the bouillon cube I’d been nursing for the past couple of days. Dammit, there goes dinner!! OMG, J/K, things aren’t that dire. I still have several pats of butter to last me ‘till tomorrow!! YAY! They’re safely in my back pocket. UH OH….

OOOOOOH, URINE TROUBLE!!!
The temp job I applied for is data entry, but before I could start, I had to take a drug test. Why do I need a drug test for data entry? It’s not like I’m piloting a plane or anything. What are they afraid I’m gonna come in all high and enter a bunch of made up addresses or something? “1234 Bonghit Street, Assmunch Falls, MO.” Dude, who cares if I do drugz in my free time? OMG, I don’t type with my veins anyway!!!!!! LOL!!!! OMG, J/K you guys, I totally don’t shoot heroin, I smoke it. OMG, J/K I don’t smoke heroin at all, I drink it mixed with Diet Pepsi! OMG, J/K I don’t drink it with Diet Pepsi, I drink it with Mr. Pibb! OMG, help I’m trapped in a joke formula!!!!

ANYWAY, the nurse there was totally unfriendly and treated me like I was some kind of parole violator in leg-irons , barking commands at me like: “Stay behind the dotted line!” Chill out beeyotch, this ain’t lockdown, it’s Greenpoint! Did that drug test place really need a dotted line on the floor? Like before the line was there a problem with people rushing over and urinating all over her or something? Anyway, I apologized for that already! Her distain for me activated my neglected child please-o-meter and I turned on the comedy, desperate for approval. But all my urine test jokes fell as flat as uncarbonated pee. OMG, here’s a “sample”:

“Can I have two cups? I might want to take some home.”

“Is this urine test 'open book'?”

“You want regular or decaf?”

“If you guys do find any drugs, is there any way I can get them back?”

“I brought a pregnancy test, is it OK if I multi-task?”

“Those jokes are ROTLFL Roll On The Lab Floor hilarious! But I got nothing. It’s OK, specimen labs are notoriously tough rooms. I even stooped to prop comedy, but she confiscated my porno magazine saying: “it’s not that kind of test.” (I know, but just pretend I’m a dude for that last joke to work. If you find it hard to pretend, hold this for a minute.)

She then told me that I had three minutes and shut the door. The time constraint made me extremely nervalicious and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to deliver. I really wanted her to like me, so for extra credit, I took a dump in the container. OMG, not a big one!!!! Just a small one!!! Just like, a poop accent, if you will. I don’t know, I wanted to be thorough!! I wanted to give her 110%! Apparently, there was no pleasing this lady because she immediately flushed my offering and angrily ordered me out. But I thought the cocktail umbrella was a nice touch! I guess being handed people’s glasses of pee all day might sour your views on life. But I wonder if she knows you’re not supposed to drink it. OMG, I hope I pass my urine test, fingers crossed!!!!!!!!!!!!!