I MISS BEING GAY


Ah, those were the days! The Gay Days. Does anyone remember . . . gay? What happened to all that gayness? It seems like only yesterday I was munching a rug, but now I’m too busy smoking a pole to fit any carpets in there. This may come as a surprise to some of my readers, but at one time, I used to be a big fat dyke. Now I’m just an overweight straight woman! OMG, Wha’ hoppen????

Even though I’m not gay anymore, other people always think I am, I guess because I’m a strong, opinionated woman and when men see that, they automatically think lesbian. That and the way I eat pussy. OMG J/K! Me am cockgobbler forever. I swear!!!! Here, I’ll prove it. OMG, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?????

So, what went wrong with my lesbiosity? OMG, I think for one thing I couldn’t take all the communication, discussing our feelings on a molecular level. “But what did you mean when you said that you were thinking about what I meant?” HUH??? Listen, I wasn’t making a derisive snort when we you were talking about your pottery career, a mung bean just went down the wrong way. We’ve been talking about this for six hours! Can’t you just fumble at my tits, fart and pass out? OOPZ, forgot you’re not a dude!!!! I don’t even think telepathy would have made understanding each other any easier. Then I would have to explain all my Ed Begley, jr. sex fantasies and those transcend mere sexual orientation, okay?

Speaking of doin’ it, all those sexual politics got on my nerves, like bullshit about how sex can be just cuddling and doesn’t have to have orgasm as a goal. That’s not sex, that’s being really bad at taking a nap. Either fuck me or go to sleep! Just quit waking me up with your reiki back tickling or whatever, alright? You’re just making me feel like I have to pee. Not in a good way, either. Even inserting a freaking tampon became a political act! OMG, TMI much????!!!!!

Also, when I cut my hair short I look less like Jamie Lee Curtis, more like a fat Dominican boy and there’s nothing anything can do about it. How could it be racist if it's true?????

But you know what, I accepted those problems as par for the course. I laughed, I loved, I bought a Subaru station wagon. Things were great. Then one fateful day I betrayed my lesbian sisters and bought a one-way ticket on the penis express. By law, I am forbidden to step foot into Northampton, Massachusetts again. Heretic! I don’t know what it was, exactly. I remember listening to some Ani, baking some granola for the cats and the strangest heterosexual feeling came over me. I looked down at my overalls and my Birkenstocks and thought, “I don’t have to do this anymore.” And just like that, it was over. I gave away all my spider plants, tore up my membership at the Park Slope food Co-op, and burned my rainstick, thus ending the chapter on the wildest two weeks of my life.

Now because of the short duration of my Sapphic journey, (more of a sexual day trip to Atlantic City, really) some have accused me of pandering to male fantasies in order to get more readers. OMG, is it working????? Oopz, I mean, that’s crazy talk! Listen honey, in those two weeks, I was probably gayer than some of you lesbians have been your entire freaking lives! Those two weeks were like gay concentrate. If you add water, I’m a 65 year old harley ridin’ bulldyke with a crewcut, a silent partnership in a Siamese cattery and more sizzlin’ toys than a fire sale at FAO Schwartz. Now that’s gay. So don’t give me any shit, ladies, I got my fingers dirty! And sticky. OMG, EWWWW!!!

Anyway, that’s it, I’m 101% straight and I’m afraid there’s no going back. SORRY, BITCHES!!!!!!! Please find another seat, my face is cockupied! At least I think so!!! Don’t hold me to any of this after a couple of drinks, if you know what I mean. After four or five crantinis, it’s like whatever am I right????? LOL!!!! BTW, I recently found some photos from when I was at my old alma mater, Smyth College. That’s right, I said Smyth. I went there because they try not to tame each student’s individual “animal style”. OMG, did you understand my 80’s pop reference???? BTW, if any dykes want to spank it to these pix, how could I possibly stop you? I'm pre-claw, bleach-blonde and leztastic! Enjoy!!!!



OMG, I remember her from freshman seminar. Last I heard, she was raising show chickens in Montana or something!!!



“Got no time to for spreadin' roots, The time has come to be gone/
And to' our health we drank a thousand times, it's time to ramble on!” - Zep.



Did somebody say drum circle???? Here we celebrate the fall equinox, or as we called it The Earth Mother’s Dry Crispy Leaf Menstruation.



I’m always up for an impromptu game of touch football, as long as folks aren’t shy about the touch part!!!!!! :D



When you play football with a bunch of cuties like these, sometimes being tackled is the goal!!!!!!



Me and my Golden Retriever, Amy Ray, Jr. ! This picture was featured in a brochure called “Discovering Park Slope Diversity”.



Who loves to chase sticks?! Amy Ray, Jr.!!! I gave Amy Ray, Jr. to a shelter when my gay wore off, cause I quickly discovered having to end a date early to walk a mutt is a major cockblock. Don’t get all PETA on me, I’m pretty sure the shelter was no kill! Sheesh!