I’VE GOT A BAG OF COTTON BALLS AND A FAVOR TO ASK . . .
OMG, it’s not what it sounds like!! I went hiking in the woods this weekend and came back covered in Poison Ivy. I don’t mean to sound perverted, I just need someone to daub some calamine lotion on a very hard to reach spot. Until I orgasm. What?! Unfortunately, there’s no one around to anoint me!! I’ve called everyone I know, and they’re all totally busy or lost their arms in a threshing accident. YEAH RIGHT! I’m not calling anyone a liar it’s just kind of funny how every time I need a bunion rub or a boil lanced, suddenly no one has hands. I’m just saying . . .
OMG, who’s that looking back in the mirror, Enemy Mine? It’s all over face, on my back, my arms, my legs, inside my nose, and even on my hoo-ha. Oh, shush, like you never touch your magic places. That reminds me of this time I cleaned a foggy window and was startled by a cat sitting right there. It was the only other time I screamed when I wiped.
When I tell people I got poison ivy, they look at me like I’m an idiot , but I swear it wasn’t my fault!! I mean it’s not like I grabbed a whole bunch of it and rubbed it all over my face or anything! First of all, it was like one leaf and I didn’t rub it all over my face, just my nose, chin and eyes. What? I though it was aloe! I guess it was a dumb mistake, but there’s no google image search in the woods, alright?
You know what, since we seem to be having a truthfulness party, I wasn’t in the woods, I was rolling around on a planted median near the Holland tunnel. Naked. During rush hour. I was a little depressed and I was trying to cheer myself up. I may not be able to afford pinkberry like a normal person, but writhing around in the brush on a traffic island naked is well within my price range. Oh well, at least for 45 minutes, I was genuinely happy. Would have been longer if this over-observant douchebag riding by on a stupid recumbent bike hadn’t called the cops. OMG, I totally hate everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SWEET CHRIST, the itching is driving me nucking futs, where’s the hell’s that BBQ fork I was using earlier?! FFFFFFFF, ahhhh that’s the stuff! My friends tell me to stop scratching, that I’ll only make it worse. Whatever, I know when to stop, when I see blood, the human body’s natural red light! Uh oh. Ears grow back, right?
OMG, it’s not what it sounds like!! I went hiking in the woods this weekend and came back covered in Poison Ivy. I don’t mean to sound perverted, I just need someone to daub some calamine lotion on a very hard to reach spot. Until I orgasm. What?! Unfortunately, there’s no one around to anoint me!! I’ve called everyone I know, and they’re all totally busy or lost their arms in a threshing accident. YEAH RIGHT! I’m not calling anyone a liar it’s just kind of funny how every time I need a bunion rub or a boil lanced, suddenly no one has hands. I’m just saying . . .
OMG, who’s that looking back in the mirror, Enemy Mine? It’s all over face, on my back, my arms, my legs, inside my nose, and even on my hoo-ha. Oh, shush, like you never touch your magic places. That reminds me of this time I cleaned a foggy window and was startled by a cat sitting right there. It was the only other time I screamed when I wiped.
When I tell people I got poison ivy, they look at me like I’m an idiot , but I swear it wasn’t my fault!! I mean it’s not like I grabbed a whole bunch of it and rubbed it all over my face or anything! First of all, it was like one leaf and I didn’t rub it all over my face, just my nose, chin and eyes. What? I though it was aloe! I guess it was a dumb mistake, but there’s no google image search in the woods, alright?
You know what, since we seem to be having a truthfulness party, I wasn’t in the woods, I was rolling around on a planted median near the Holland tunnel. Naked. During rush hour. I was a little depressed and I was trying to cheer myself up. I may not be able to afford pinkberry like a normal person, but writhing around in the brush on a traffic island naked is well within my price range. Oh well, at least for 45 minutes, I was genuinely happy. Would have been longer if this over-observant douchebag riding by on a stupid recumbent bike hadn’t called the cops. OMG, I totally hate everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SWEET CHRIST, the itching is driving me nucking futs, where’s the hell’s that BBQ fork I was using earlier?! FFFFFFFF, ahhhh that’s the stuff! My friends tell me to stop scratching, that I’ll only make it worse. Whatever, I know when to stop, when I see blood, the human body’s natural red light! Uh oh. Ears grow back, right?
Labels: BBQ fork, Calamine Lotion, Depressed, Douchebag, Enemy Mine, Hoo-ha, Itchy, Naked, Pinkberry, Poison Ivy, Recumbent Bikes
posted by Stacey Nightmare @ 10:06 PM
5 Comments:
At 10:14 PM,
Tracey Scorpion said…
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH AT LAST, AN ENTRY THAT MAKES ME LAUGH!!!! AT YOU NOT WITH YOU!!!!!! WAY TO GET POISON IVY, STUPID!!!!
At 10:39 AM,
Anonymous said…
poison ivy's itchy! that's the name of my new girl punk rock band!
thank you stacey nightmare!
At 3:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
The sadness is insurmountable. It makes me feel as though there is a hardening calcium deposit in the center of my heart, and that the foundations of my emotions and dreams are cracking, flaking. I do not know. I do not know. I look past windows but not through them. I fall down and sob.
Cruelly, it is Spring. Birds chirp as though to spite me. Lovers hold hands, barring me from passing them on the street, holding me back.
But this column was very funny.
At 12:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sorry to hear you've got the itch.
People on recumbent bikes are the bain of my existance, too. It's really hard to pee off a bridge with them riding around just looking at stuff.
- T-bone
At 10:13 PM,
Donita Smith said…
Stacey, darling, are you dead?
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